Saturday, January 2, 2010

On Breakups!!!

Happy new year, to all of u...
Wish you loads of luck, love and happiness...

I know it’s not very positive to start the year with a post on a break ups.. I am doing it because something which happened very recently took me back to one of my most painful times of life... and for me blogging is about expressing what I feel, irrespective of the time of the year.. start or end.. doesn’t really matter...

And just for the record.. I wrote this sometime back... uploading it now with some additions and ofcourse, my DISCOVERY about the phenomena BREAK UP..

Everyone goes through atleast one.. because break up doesn’t always mean.. break up of a love relationship with a man / woman..

For it means

Breaking up with yourself (When u don’t forgive yourself)

Breaking up with your family (When u don’t give in to their expectations)

Breaking up with your friends (When they make new ones and move on)

Breaking up with your Boss (when u switch your job!!)

Breaking up with life (when it doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to be...)

I went through all of the above at some point of my life and dealt with it... I also went through a horrible relationship break up with a man sometime back.. and the following is a brief summary of my thought s, my feelings then and now...

Breakups..

There is not anything awful, terrible and horrible in the universe, including rejection by someone for whom I care. There are only serious inconveniencies and frustration, which I’ll never like but which I can definitely stand. – ELLIS

When I am attracted to a person, who I know isn’t good for me, this is how I rationalize. Because I am hoping I am wrong about this person. Every time he does something to tell me he is NO GOOD, I ignore it..... and every time he comes through and surprises me, he wins me over and then I lose the argument with myself that he is not for me... and on top of that, there’s the old eternal standby, “ I can’t believe a guy like that, will fall for a girl like me”.

When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible... and I wanted my life to begin.. I didn’t hallucinate.. I had (was given) concrete reasons to feel like I what I felt.. I thought I had found someone who loved me for the way I am..

It turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought...All the time, I felt he was behaving like a typical man and didn’t want to marry me... but the truth is that he didn’t want to marry me...

The feeling of being with someone for such a long time (on a big FACADE).. And then getting dumped for no real reason at all... I know that feeling, and it’s horrible (it still gives me that churn in my stomach and my heart still aches) eeoohhhh

And no matter how small, insignificant as humanly possible it may be now... I can never forget that how it can actually, physically ache at places, I didn’t even know I had inside me... And no matter how many haircuts I got or gyms I joined and how many shots of tequila I had with my friends.. I still went to bed every night, going over every detail and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have misunderstood when I am pathologically programmed and trained to scrutinize and analyze everything!!!

How the hell, for that brief moment (almost 5 years) I could think, I was that happy???

It happened, just like that there isn’t anything, anyone could do, there was no reason.. the question which kept coming in my mind was, am I that challenging to be with .. do I drive people away??? and it drove me crazy. Most of the times I thought I JUST WASNT ENOUGH!!

And then I thought and was made to think that it’s DESTINY... But isn’t destiny, something we have invented because we can’t stand the fact that everything that happened is ACCIDENTAL!! (More on destiny in another post, there’s too much to ponder on that)

My friends, family kept saying that it’s life... change happens and CHANGE IS GOOD!! But all that they are saying, that something that you did not want to happen at all, has happened.. and you have no choice but face it... and I was facing every single second.. looking tough in the outside and miserable inside..

I was heartbroken, it felt as if a part of me had died... and no one could ever make it right...

I was afraid that if he didn’t come back... I’ll hurt so much and that I’ll shrivel up..and never be able to love someone else ever again...

But I did, fall in love ... and this time it was for real... with an amazing person... who would never lie to me, Never ditch me at a time when I was in need of a lot of support.. and the most important thing is, this person will love me for who I AM!! And before you guys start wondering and some start getting jealous and some sigh, “there she goes again” THAT PERSON IS ME!!!

All these years I have searched for someone else.. who i thought would complete me... and all that love jazz... But the thing which I kept forgetting is rather than finding someone who’ll complete me and think of him as my saviour I rather have someone who accepts my incompleteness and I accept his..

The silver lining was, during all the pain and tears and problems and heartache (which, really looks small now... but for me I guess all that was like eternity) The innate hopeful in me, I always believed /hoped that I will go somewhere new.. and I will meet people who’ll make me feel worthwhile again... and the little pieces of my soul which were ripped off so badly, will finally come back and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of my life that I wasted will eventually begin to fade...

So, My Discovery about breakups...

For me Breakups are more like a HEARTBREAK .. Maybe even a HEARTBRAKE, which shakes your every core.....

If you're living life to the fullest, you're going to experience breakups/ heartbreaks / heart aches. Sometimes you're leaving, sometimes you're left, and no matter how it happened, the loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache. But no matter who did the leaving you are the one who will get yourself out of it. And really it’s OK to cry... I thought I had used up all my tears up.. Surprisingly they still come out occasionally for entirely different reasons altogether.

On a serious note, Breakups are awful, they are private, and they are not necessarily symptomatic of what two people had together.... and there is always the other side of the story.

In my case , moral of this BREAK UP...
GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!!!

And I want all my friends who have read this, and who are feeling sad for what I went through and some who want to kill him.... Yeah .. GO AHEAD (I tried taking the high road.. ....... just could make myself go there.. the meaner one lured me ;) LOL)

Happy Loving ... happy 2010

Cheers
Paro!!!

9 comments:

  1. Hey this definitely made an interesting read, I never thought of a 'breakup' as much as you've explained it.. Ive alwasy felt a break, more often than not...takes you up...so much for teh word "BREAKUP"...breakups make you stronger, wiser and builds character...cheers...njoyed reading your blog...i love you for your open hearted reasoning! keep it going!

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  2. der are NO BREAKUPS i feel paar.... just dat we DECIDE to move on ....

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  3. When I read amazing post like this I say "Wow" I always loved the way you talk...now I love the way u write too..I respect what u wrote because it really takes courage to accept "being heartbroken" and to live with it...

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  4. I think HE tests and tests and tests before HE
    is sure we can handle the real thing .. just making sure you are worth it !

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  5. I keep writing a reply to your blog each and everytime , but hesitate to press the post "comment button "- my irreversible issues with sharing my thoughts in such a public forum with you. More so after i reveiled my identity to you .
    Oh, this particular blog would be one of your really personal ones for sure, ( then again they all are ) and i would never have had the courage to come out with it. Even though i would surely empathise. A lot of thought are currently flowing - and so many questions ? many ideas , related and unrelated , personal , concerning you , some friends whom we know - rushing like the Titanic to it's ill fated iceberg ( trust me ,i have warned them )

    Added to your blog , can i add if age has anything to do with ? that naivete , the feeling that everything is possible when we are young, that no mountain in unsurmountable , that one can give in so much that one sometimes didnt know he had so much to offer, where did all these feeling spring out from ? the feeling of happiness , bliss , content , complimenting one's life ? where one would smile at a mere thought , blush at a sweet nothing , do things which could rationally seem mad . Draw one's friends harsh comments at the constant smiles.
    In brief -" Give like one knew no tommorrow " . I wont go as far to say selflessly like a mother , the returns were there !
    But if we knew it would end in the dramatic way it did , would you do the same ?

    And now with experience , the twice bitten , exponentially shy , would we go the whole nine yards again ? would you parveen ? Or will there still be some lingering hesitations , fears of getting deceived ? Age is supposed to make one more wise , but does that come with the tag of being careful and also not giving so much , to maybe a person who would deserve more ?

    They say the world moves on and that one shouldn't be left behind. We are moving slowly and painfully but surely. ( some guilt here too of being an unwilling heart breaker )

    You've tried to rationalise like you do best Parveen. I admire you for that . I wish i could handle things as best as you do. But as you rightly mentioned it's a personal, private journey - i hope it comes out successfully - with minimum damage to myself and others

    I hope to stop singing Gloria Gaynor's " i will survive " to Queens " I want to break free "

    soon :D

    ps: sorry this was just random , not well constructed thoughts flowing

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  6. Hey...It was great to read ur blog....... I think it was the most apt topic to start the yr with......It truly is GOOD RIDDANCE..... What i loved the most was definitely the part about one's destiny....n m now finishing quikly to read the other post abt destiny.....
    Keep goin gal....cheers...!!!

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  7. Thanks everyone for your valuable time..

    @Andy.. every BREAK AND THEN UP.. (great way of putting it) has made me feel better... I think got a little more wiser and with old age a lil more blind.. (hence I continue with the wrong choices) LOL..
    and the open hearted sharing is just me... and I like it like tat.. thanks for appreciating it..

    Nehal.. I am Still Waiting for my exam to get over... i dont know how many more tests to go through... I still see light at the end of the tunnel.. as said earlier.. I wint lose hope on LOVE. I will love again...

    MIxed feelings... Thank you sweets.. and I love the way you think, write, talk...and listen to me and my blog..
    And the courage part is actually .. just my way to close that chapter and move on....

    Ami.. in my view...we DO breakup... moving on is better synonym to the word..

    Shraddha - thanks for reading... and i am sure u will not miss any of my post.. i will make sure u read all of them.. choice or forced choice.. :LOL
    and it is GOOD RIDDANCE indeed...

    Idli...
    well...
    Thanks for your kind words...
    I feel .... Age has nothing to do with love.. maybe it has something to do with the related behaviour in love.. how one reacts after a break up when one is young.. and the reaction when one is older .. differs...
    and the fear of being left again... is always there... but thankfully the need to be loved and to love is greater than the fear.. and hence we love again... u've loved.. i've loved... and we will love again... ( and even if its slowly... pianfully .. well tat again is a perception.. I had a conversation once with my DAD , i told him.. tat i love this guy and he doesnt love me.. and my dad told me.. if he doesnt love u.. he is the one missing out on the lovely feeling one feels when in love.. the smiling for no reason, the blushing... the way ur heart beats... and tat truly is a lovely feeling...
    SO even after a horrible horrible break up and in my case ripping if my heart... yes i am scared.. i will take some time.. maybe some more time.. but i want to feel wat love feels again...
    and about the damage.. we fail in many things in life.. from our careers, studies, games etc etc.. and we do come out of it.. with learnings more than damages..
    the thing is to accept it... and call it a difficult class of life...
    and the next time we meet... we will sing both these songs...

    love always

    Parveen

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  8. Feels weird to write 'great work' for something so personal to you..but you do write well :)..
    Breakups are tough and you are lost and in absolute pain..but the pain always subsides and you find yourself again...
    As the saying goes..which I apply..and you should try it too..'Once bitten, never shy :P'

    Take care

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  9. Thanks Parveen for sharing with us how it felt to be heart broken & betrayed. It is an ache that can linger on for years esp when one has openly shared all that they are.It takes really courage and belief in LOVE to have to do it all over again...

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