Thursday, January 21, 2010


This is not a recent thought had written this down on my way back from Chennai, where I had gone for work and attended a wedding accidentally.

Weddings bring a lot of memories for everyone.....
Happy for some, sad for some... smile for some , a tear for some... regret for some, relief for some..

I have always been the hopeless romantic, always trusting and hopeful about love AND the good in people..... Even if I am not optimistic about other things, I have been the most optimistic about LOVE!!

I believe... if you love, then love with all the ZOOPLAH ZANG!!!....... Otherwise just call it lust, need, societal pressure... WHATEVER... BUT DEFINATELY NOT LOVE!

Anyway so I attended a wedding of a couple, a very odd one, I have ever come across.. I knew them as individuals and never imagined they would hook up...... and no matter how much I wanted to be happy for them......The cynic in me kept saying.... wwhhaattt were they thinking???
WHY ARE THESE TWO GETTING MARRIED TO EACH OTHER, when they have the option to be happy!! Is this a big love facade... but why do they need these facades????

We are all adults, we can handle things... she can say I am getting old and need companionship and he can say I can’t get Hot Guys (oops girls) anymore

But why print information on wedding cards and call it LOVE (Because love transforms people and changes lives and molecules and ORIENTATIONS........and all the bullshit)

Let’s say, they are getting married because of Companionship... but how do you sustain a relationship just on companionship and a comfort zone????

What is a relationship without the butterflies and the passion, the chemistry????? And all the ZOOPLAH ZANG, which happens when you not only love the person but also you also want to have them!!!

Doesn’t this Zooplah Zang... get you through the years when all the love fades away.. atleast you have the memories and they are enough to get you through your life happily together......

What does it take for a relationship to work ‘Till death do us apart’? No wonder most singles have more long term success with friends, so maybe it’s a better strategy to marry a friend.

But there are some of us, who don’t have the feeling of ZOOPLAH ZANG with a friend and if we still go ahead with the relationship only based on the companionship and the comfort zone, What happens after some years???? do we continue with the same feeling???? and then what distinguishes this companionship from your many other companions???

What is a relationship without the ZOOPLAH ZANG... can such a relation be a happily ever after one or will it end up in one of the other looking for love, companionship and sex outside (and I am not being cynical, the millions of extra marital affairs are a proof of this)

Or are all the people who don’t wait for the ZOOPLAH ZANG kind of love and marry just for companionship, societal pressure, fear of loneliness etc....... Are these people being pessimistic about love and settling for less????
Or are they justified, because maybe it’s not even advisable to be OPTIMISTIC after the age of 30, maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily like moisturiser.

The optimistic / hopeful in me wonders, what happens when reality batters your belief system and LOVE does not, as promised conquer all!! How do we bounce back... do we still keep hoping OR is hope a drug we need to go off on OR is it required to keep us alive?????

So, what’s the harm in believing????

As for me....... I am someone who is looking out for love... real love... ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, “can’t live without each other” love... “crazy for each other” love...The love with all the ZOOPLAH ZANG!!! And all the butterflies!!!

My recent cynicism has still not (thankfully) killed the romantic in me!!!!

So, whenever I attend such weddings and see couples who are in a relationship...... without the ZOOPLAH ZANG...

I can’t help but wonder...

That when it comes to relationships... (The happily ever after kinds)

Some have settled down...

Some are settling in...

And some people refuse to settle for anything less... but Butterflies!!!!

Smiles 


Sunday, January 17, 2010


Sorry for the break... was very busy..... work, mom, and the time!!!

Also I always wondered why authors take years to finish their books??
Now I understand, if I can take such a long time to select a topic for my new post and then write something... GOD BLESS the writers!!!

P.S – Idli.. I am not a soda bottle.... and dint go phus... and I am pretty serious about blogging..

Anyway.. I got a mail on Oxymoron’s, which got me thinking... (Sorry Manny, I’ll only think when I blog..... otherwise I promised u already I won’t.....mwuah!!!)

For people who didn’t score well in English... it’s a figure of speech, which is a combination of two words that are opposite in meaning. For example, GOOD GRIEF, EXACT ESTIMATE and so on...

So, when I started thinking about oxymorons. It suddenly dawned to me.....MY life is all about the oxymoron’s...

It was actually very interesting to think about it....

And it’s not only me... everyone around me seems a little Oxymoronic.....
With all the FREE GIFT VOUCHERS, AGREE TO DIASAGREE fundas.. and of course the ADULT MALES / FEMALES who’ll be reading this post and voluntarily and sometimes forcefully commenting...

OXY’S are here to stay... actually they are a inseparable part of our lives and our vocabulary...

I am almost done / almost ready... (When generally we are not even close)

I’ll act naturally... (When everything is all about the ACTING)

Oh this is awfully nice / pretty / good (when most of the time the intensity of saying AWFULLY is directly proportional to the feeling of jealousy which ones has for not having those AWFULLY nice things.. or being AWFULLY pretty or good)
Don’t tell me (when you will do anything just to know)

You’re a BUTTHEAD!!!

Big sip, Big baby, bad health, active retirement, brief speech, amicable divorce, and so on...

There are many more of such oxymoron’s which we use in our daily life... but according to me the most influential one... is A LITTLE MORE!!!

A little more Ice-cream / chocolate / bourbon biscuits (and all the problems of weight began from here)

A little more PERCENTAGE (that was usually my teachers, I never really cared)

A little more time on the phone / time out with friends / time beyond the deadline

A little more time to submit my projects (I never gave ONE on TIME)

A little more Pay package (well, I care a lot about that)

And the classic.. a little more attention / LOVE / CARE... BLAH BLAH..

Wanting a little more and ignoring the MUCH MORE in our lives...

And ironically... when we look beyond this “much more”.. And almost let it go... then that much more becomes “ wanting a little more”

Just the other day when I was with mom and my kid brother...I wanted a LITTLE MORE time with them, yet I had to go to work... And when I used to have the MUCH More time... and I don’t know what the hell I did then..

When we say we want a little more or I am almost there, I am alone in a crowd, we are alone together ...... are we saying that THIS IS WANT I WANT COZ I DONT HAVE ENOUGH..... or I AM NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE... or .. I JUST DON’T HAVE IT????

In my view People don’t say or they hide certain things from most of their close ones is because they don’t like the way it sounds..

I want you to understand me / love me / care for me a Little MORE.. sounds much better than, and is much safer to say, than.... I want you to love me / understand me / care for me (because I think you don’t)

I can’t help but wonder.. Is an oxymoron a Denial of something which we don’t have? Or just something which we don’t have enough...

And If denial keeps us away from all the fear and the pain and the discomfort then what’s the harm in denying???

Maybe the reality is we need Denial!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we need the OXYMORON”S TOO.....

Specially my favourite one... “LITTLE MORE”

Because... I can’t DENY the fact that God loves me A LITTLE MORE......than I think he does!!!



Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Live While you are ALIVE...


When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “compared to what?”

I was trying to figure out, why certain things are harder for me to get than for many other people I know.. Things like weight management, marriage management, finance management and I can really go on...

Is it because of my upbringing, family background, twisted thinking ???

I always wished... I was thinner, I was braver or just simply happier.. and sometimes I actually believed that its useless to dream because nothing ever changes...

And when I actually sat down with these thoughts on life... I realised.. I am the one who is RESPONSIBLE for all these “Certain Things” not to happen.. because when they do happen I SIMPLY DONT ENJOY THEM....

What I do is, whenever I get what I want.....

I worry about how it will turn out, how will I manage????

I don’t appreciate it, coz it’s little too late (when I don’t get them on the time I wanted)

I am not happy because it’s not packaged well....

And the above thoughts are so overpowering that I lose the feeling of happiness, contentment, peace... which I can actually feel after achieving or simply getting what I wanted... and this has been an issue... since I got my first Barbie... so rather than being happy and enjoying it... I was paranoid that my brothers.. will tear her clothes off.. lol

And the same fear continued, when I got my tenth results (will I get admission in a good college??)... my last relationship (is he the right guy, will this really last??).... my current job (how will I keep up with all these expectations??) my blog (am I sharing too much??)

So instead of enjoying the moment / experience and living my life.. .. I was worried about what will happen... I was afraid of failure.. or I just wasn’t satisfied... and crushed by self expectation and perception of others expectation and blah blah...

Because in all this twisted mind screwing processes....

I forgot ...
Failure in life is inevitable... It is impossible to live without failing. Unless you live so cautiously, (without talking any risks, being resistant to change, living in your own protective shell) which is actually not living AT ALL!!!...and then YOU FAIL BY DEFAULT....

I forgot
That fear offers you .. a chance to surprise yourself.. to discover something about yourself you didn’t know you had...

I forgot
That the great thing about humans is that they change....

I forgot
That if I can get up everyday, stay optimistic and believe the future is better, I can go a long way.....

I forgot
To stay in touch with my feelings and experience them they way they are ...

I forgot
To love myself ....

I forgot
To STOP and not THINK!!

And most importantly I forgot
You start living when you are born... but UR ALIVE... when you LIVE....


Saturday, January 2, 2010

On Breakups!!!

Happy new year, to all of u...
Wish you loads of luck, love and happiness...

I know it’s not very positive to start the year with a post on a break ups.. I am doing it because something which happened very recently took me back to one of my most painful times of life... and for me blogging is about expressing what I feel, irrespective of the time of the year.. start or end.. doesn’t really matter...

And just for the record.. I wrote this sometime back... uploading it now with some additions and ofcourse, my DISCOVERY about the phenomena BREAK UP..

Everyone goes through atleast one.. because break up doesn’t always mean.. break up of a love relationship with a man / woman..

For it means

Breaking up with yourself (When u don’t forgive yourself)

Breaking up with your family (When u don’t give in to their expectations)

Breaking up with your friends (When they make new ones and move on)

Breaking up with your Boss (when u switch your job!!)

Breaking up with life (when it doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to be...)

I went through all of the above at some point of my life and dealt with it... I also went through a horrible relationship break up with a man sometime back.. and the following is a brief summary of my thought s, my feelings then and now...


There is not anything awful, terrible and horrible in the universe, including rejection by someone for whom I care. There are only serious inconveniencies and frustration, which I’ll never like but which I can definitely stand. – ELLIS

When I am attracted to a person, who I know isn’t good for me, this is how I rationalize. Because I am hoping I am wrong about this person. Every time he does something to tell me he is NO GOOD, I ignore it..... and every time he comes through and surprises me, he wins me over and then I lose the argument with myself that he is not for me... and on top of that, there’s the old eternal standby, “ I can’t believe a guy like that, will fall for a girl like me”.

When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible... and I wanted my life to begin.. I didn’t hallucinate.. I had (was given) concrete reasons to feel like I what I felt.. I thought I had found someone who loved me for the way I am..

It turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought...All the time, I felt he was behaving like a typical man and didn’t want to marry me... but the truth is that he didn’t want to marry me...

The feeling of being with someone for such a long time (on a big FACADE).. And then getting dumped for no real reason at all... I know that feeling, and it’s horrible (it still gives me that churn in my stomach and my heart still aches) eeoohhhh

And no matter how small, insignificant as humanly possible it may be now... I can never forget that how it can actually, physically ache at places, I didn’t even know I had inside me... And no matter how many haircuts I got or gyms I joined and how many shots of tequila I had with my friends.. I still went to bed every night, going over every detail and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have misunderstood when I am pathologically programmed and trained to scrutinize and analyze everything!!!

How the hell, for that brief moment (almost 5 years) I could think, I was that happy???

It happened, just like that there isn’t anything, anyone could do, there was no reason.. the question which kept coming in my mind was, am I that challenging to be with .. do I drive people away??? and it drove me crazy. Most of the times I thought I JUST WASNT ENOUGH!!

And then I thought and was made to think that it’s DESTINY... But isn’t destiny, something we have invented because we can’t stand the fact that everything that happened is ACCIDENTAL!! (More on destiny in another post, there’s too much to ponder on that)

My friends, family kept saying that it’s life... change happens and CHANGE IS GOOD!! But all that they are saying, that something that you did not want to happen at all, has happened.. and you have no choice but face it... and I was facing every single second.. looking tough in the outside and miserable inside..

I was heartbroken, it felt as if a part of me had died... and no one could ever make it right...

I was afraid that if he didn’t come back... I’ll hurt so much and that I’ll shrivel up..and never be able to love someone else ever again...

But I did, fall in love ... and this time it was for real... with an amazing person... who would never lie to me, Never ditch me at a time when I was in need of a lot of support.. and the most important thing is, this person will love me for who I AM!! And before you guys start wondering and some start getting jealous and some sigh, “there she goes again” THAT PERSON IS ME!!!

All these years I have searched for someone else.. who i thought would complete me... and all that love jazz... But the thing which I kept forgetting is rather than finding someone who’ll complete me and think of him as my saviour I rather have someone who accepts my incompleteness and I accept his..

The silver lining was, during all the pain and tears and problems and heartache (which, really looks small now... but for me I guess all that was like eternity) The innate hopeful in me, I always believed /hoped that I will go somewhere new.. and I will meet people who’ll make me feel worthwhile again... and the little pieces of my soul which were ripped off so badly, will finally come back and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of my life that I wasted will eventually begin to fade...

So, My Discovery about breakups...

For me Breakups are more like a HEARTBREAK .. Maybe even a HEARTBRAKE, which shakes your every core.....

If you're living life to the fullest, you're going to experience breakups/ heartbreaks / heart aches. Sometimes you're leaving, sometimes you're left, and no matter how it happened, the loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache. But no matter who did the leaving you are the one who will get yourself out of it. And really it’s OK to cry... I thought I had used up all my tears up.. Surprisingly they still come out occasionally for entirely different reasons altogether.

On a serious note, Breakups are awful, they are private, and they are not necessarily symptomatic of what two people had together.... and there is always the other side of the story.

In my case , moral of this BREAK UP...

And I want all my friends who have read this, and who are feeling sad for what I went through and some who want to kill him.... Yeah .. GO AHEAD (I tried taking the high road.. ....... just could make myself go there.. the meaner one lured me ;) LOL)

Happy Loving ... happy 2010