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Friday, March 19, 2010

Ghosts!!!.... I mean of the Past!!!

Well, I am surprising myself with another post in a matter of a week... I guess getting carried away with all the comments and appreciation.. given to me strictly by force...

After the last post on cheating and forgiving... I thought I had made my point and had nothing more to say on this topic... till someone I know asked me what about trusting and forgetting....

My blog is all about my views and what I believe in and actually implement in my life... writing and commenting on trusting would be... preaching and not practising...

Just have to make a point... that if we trust someone, lets trust till the end whatever the results maybe.. in the end either we will have a great relation or a even greater lesson... and I have a Ph. D in learning amazing lessons...

So back to the Questions... Can we ever forget even if we have forgiven???

Or in my case..

Can we ever really forget someone if we haven’t forgiven them???

When a relationship ends do we ever get rid of the ghosts of the pasts or are we forever haunted by the spirits of the past relationships....

Mumbai is definitely haunted.. ex lovers, old friends... anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to bump into over and over again.. until you resolve your issues...

No matter how fast you travel or you run from it can you ever escape your past?? It is difficult to forget our disappointments and people who let us down.. and I mean anyone, what I have learnt and experienced is that..... We have to let go of our past to truly move forward...

I sometimes wonder about the tense relationship, and by that I mean a relationship and its connection to the past, present and future tense........

At a certain age we’ve all had relationships that are far from past perfect. But how much does that past relationship affect our dreams of future perfect??

And as I keep thinking.. ....I can’t help but wonder can you get to a future if your past is present........ (If I am stuck on my last boyfriend, my last job, my last friend...my last oversize store..which shut btw... can I ever really move on???)

Of all the relationships where there is a breakup... like.. love, friendship, work ... the most difficult one to move on from is love.... and forgetting would really come by moving on...

How does one move on....really tricky...

Some get into the next relation... generally called a rebound.. which always screws the other over and under!!!!

Some prefer sulking and dying in depression... or the exact opposite being aggressive negative and difficult to live with....

Some rationalize and think they are taking the high road and prefer being friends with an EX.... (I am not included in these some BTW)

Thinking of the EX factor.. In mathematics... X stands for the unknown... and A+B = X... but what is really unknown to me is what plus what equals to friendship with an “X”

Is this an unsolvable equation... or is it possible to transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily on the friendship shelf..
Can you really be friends with an EX???

My answer is NO...

I have met those couples who stay friends and I really wonder how do they do that... I belive that being my friend is a big bonus in the relationship and if the person doesn’t want the relationship.. He or she doesn’t even deserve my friendship.. there has to be some punishment for breaking up with me... So I hold my friendship as a punishment

I would love to be one of those people who say to their Ex “ we loved, thank you.. you enriched my life now go prosper”... But I am much more the person who would rather say... “I loved you so much and now I have the deep desire for you to suffer intense pain...and because we didn’t work out, you need to not exist”

I believe that relationships are like cotour, if it doesn’t fit perfectly... its a disaster... but to think of it, its so childish, this whole situation about me being unable to be friends with an EX... I keep dresses which I will never wear again... and I still throw away my old relationships...

I Cant help but wonder... If you love someone and you break up... where does the love go?????

I guess it goes to the next GF / BF.... (You see them happy... And I guess then it sinks in..... “they are happy and we are OVER”

The reality is letting go or forgetting is never easy if you truly loved..... but there is really no harm in trying....

Because in life... people die.. computers crash... relationships fall apart...

We just need to breathe and reboot!!!

As for me... I don’t want to rush into falling in love.....when people ask me why am I single.. I just tell them, I am still Choosing.......

Cheers
Parveen

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Emotional Atyaachaar!!!

Well with all the time available to me..(I hope u guys smell sarcasm) I managed to see this program on some channel.... called emotional atyaachaar.... its about spying (or loyalty test as they call it) if you suspect your GF or BF to cheat, you can ask these channel people to do a sting operation and find out how faithful your partner is...
And every time I watch it, the one who is being cheated goes through the worst of atyaachaar... contrary to the promotional campaign of the program which says “ Save yourself from Emotional atyaachaar”

And I wonder How such a program can get high TRP’s ??? are we all looking out for cheap thrills like these!!!. Are the ones who want to find out the faithfulness of their partners sadist... or Are we all Masochist !!! entertainment at the cost of someone else's HEARTACHE!!!

Look at the Tiger Woods’ and the football player controversy. Who are we to judge them??. Tiger Woods recently apologised on TV for his behaviour... and that’s a sign of a good human being.. coz to err is human... He let his wife down, was unfaithful... now it’s their business whether they want to make their marriage work or end it... who are we really to judge.. why cant we separate the person from the behaviour... well easy said than done..

Well, I don’t want to get into this... What I am trying to understand is ..................

Why do people cheat??

And if they have cheated, can we forgive???

Question A:

In a gravity free world... where anything goes... what constitutes cheating???
Lets see,

Men cheat, for the same reason as dogs lick their balls... because they can; it’s a part of their biology...

Not to forget women cheat to (I would say more than men) there is no biological reason really.. though some people think that women who cheat are completely different than men... as they don’t go randomly attacking every man they think they are attracted too... because apparently women are not driven by testosterone, they are driven by emotions.. or hormones!!

Anyway instead of wasting all that energy, condemning the cheaters (men / women) maybe it’s time we all get in line with the reality of the situation...

People have different definitions’ and reactions to cheating...

Some can’t tolerate

Some are blind...

Some are forgiving (or maybe insecure, that maybe they won’t find anyone else)

And some are more realistic about human nature.. (mostly these are the ones who cheat..)

And I just don’t think you can define cheating in the absolute term... According to me there’s a cheating curve. Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how they themselves want to cheat... maybe it is moral relativism or maybe quantum cheating... Einstein just got into me for a second!!)

The fact is the act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught, one does not exist without the other...

So according to me don’t cheat and if you cheat... don’t get caught... be smart!!! Because cynically speaking in a city like Mumbai with infinite options and possibilities... maybe monogamy has become too much to expect!!! (and I don’t just mean in love.. in all relationships .. friendships... designers.. favourite food joints, we don’t stick to one.. one way or the other we all cheat!!)

And also how many of us, actually look at the other side of the story... .. condemning is easy.. finding out what made the person stray takes effort... and for me finding out how, and what made my partner cheat is worth the effort... even if it turned out that he was AN ASSHOLE WITH A ROVING EYE!!!

Question B

Can we forgive? Is it really possible to forgive?

Well personal experience says... not easy at all... one of the most difficult things to do.. even more difficult than giving up chocolate..

Forgiving depends a lot upon how much pain or suffering can you really take in a relationship....

Practically speaking, most of the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusions... and one of the biggest delusions or beliefs is that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having...

In love relationships there is a fine line between pleasure and pain... to some pain implies growth, but how do we know when the growing pain stops and the pains pain takes over!!

So when do we know the tipping point... are we masochist or optimist?? that we still continue to walk the thin line of pleasure or pain.. When it comes to relationships how do we know when enough is enough!!!

And why do we believe that a relationship has to be really difficult to work!!

And I haven’t still figured out an answer to this question... I really don’t know... maybe beause I haven’t really forgiven anyone who has broken my heart or my trust....

After 2 long pages of rambling on with loads of confused questions and really no answers ... what I am trying to say is ...

Life is too short, and it keeps changing... so the people who we love and who then cheat on us for another lover or new friends.. have just changed to someone totally different and that’s really not cheating.. its going with flow and being adaptable to their changing priorities!!!

As for forgiving.....I know its not easy, but it sounds better and feels good if instead of FORGIVING SOMEONE (and making them feel like shit) WE JUST ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY HAVE BECOME......

And I really feel, it’s totally worth the effort, which I will find out soon... coz I HAVE DECIEDED THAT I AM GOING TO ACCEPT ALL THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE FOR WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY HAVE CHANGED TOO... (Specially one of the most important person in my life, who I really miss)

Because in a city of infinite options and possibilities ..... sometimes it really feels good and less stressful to know that you have only one!!

Dedicated to all who are contemplating to forgive.... or even CHEAT!!!

love
Parveen